If I were Alice I'd be screwed. There's no way I could answer this question. Could YOU answer this question honestly? I feel like I'm being tugged in so many different directions. In society I'm supposed to play nice, go to church and help strangers. At home I'm supposed to clean the house, cook dinner, make sure everything is running smoothly while maintaining my composure and "mom"ittude. As a wife I'm expected to do sweet things for my husband, make sure he's taken care of, and have time together, and talk. But right now I'm not feeling anything but pressure. Pressure to be nice, to control my language, to not complain, to be positive, to control my hormones, control my self, my thoughts, my feelings, my persona on top of managing a house with 4 children (children with health needs let's leave it at that.) and 2 dogs (one who has special needs).....and I can't do this and smile. A simple task such as, "Honey can you call..." makes me feel like I have too much to do, too little time and with too many people pulling me in every direction. There is so much involved in what I do that everything is overwhelming. I just wanna cover my ears, shake my head and scream. Maybe I'm too much of a perfectionist, maybe I'm a little OCD. But I am about to snap if I don't gain some control over my life and the directions I'm being pulled in. Add in the fact that with my hormones or whatever it is I don't even know who I am.
So this is where I feel like raising up two middle fingers and scream obscenities and tell everyone to piss off. But what does being alone solve? I'd rather be the martyr and sacrifice myself than to see my children unhappy without their mother, my husband without his wife and my loved ones with out me. I admit. I'm jealous of the women who are selfish and refuse to grow up. It's a scary thought to know that I am who I am because of my children. Who knows where I'd be. I don't even know who I'd be. But that's not exactly any different than now is it? At least I knew myself then. I don't know who this is staring at me. It's not Jen I'll say that much.But, sigh, hormones are a crazy and complicated thing.
Right now I feel like crying and screaming all at once. Add in relationship issues and things just get even more complicated. Apparently I've changed since we got married. We still love each other I'm sure. But how do you know the difference between the need to call it quits and toss in the towel and it's just normal changes people go through or my hormones screwing everything up? I'm not happy. I can't be myself without someone getting hurt or pissed at me. But this leads us to another question. Is it me, as in my hormones and anxiety is destroying my relationships and my life even. OR have we reached different paths in our lives? I'm like seriously bawling over this. But I don't know. I don't want to be one of those couples you talk about and say, "My god they need to just give it up. They're poisoning each other and don't realize it.." He's got to NOT be happy as well as often as I lay into him for something. I don't even know.
I do know that I doctor people. I protect people. I want to make people happy. When I don't even know who I am, what I want in life, what I want in my marriage or even in my family I feel helpless. So I'm helpless, I don't know who I am, I can't control my emotions which in return makes my anxiety worse. I know where this is headed. I also know the only thing I can do to slow this ride down is to see my Dr. Hoping things won't turn out like the last time this happened.
I'm sitting here debating on whether to hit publish or not..but I figure you all see worse...like that crap on jersey shore..so here goes nothing. ♥ Jen ♥
