Pregnancy and Loss

I want to start this post by issuing a trigger/content warning regarding miscarriage. I also want to say that I KNOW I should be grateful that I was able to conceive 3 beautiful and awesome kids.

I am.

But there was heartache.

I got pregnant for the first time in August of 2001. I didn't find out I was pregnant until October 19. I was ecstatic and scared. I started looking at clothes and trying to picture what my baby would look like.

On November 11, I started cramping and bleeding. It was determined I was having a miscarriage.

On November 12, I passed the fetus at home, in my toilet.

I was devastated. 

On January 13, 2002, I found out I was pregnant again. This time, there was no ecstatic feeling...only fear. It was kept a secret and would be until I made it to the second trimester.

That never happened. I miscarried again on February 10.

My marriage fell apart and I moved to Florida to live with my mom.

I found out the day after my 21st birthday party that I was pregnant. This was around mid-December, 2003. I told only a few people, but was scared. I went to the doctor, took a test there but it was negative. Tried again a few weeks later and it was positive. 

I found out on January 6 that I was having twins and both of their hearts were beating.

There was no joy...at least not from anyone but me. Some people wanted me to abort. Some suggested I give them up for adoption. When I didn't, some said to my mom that she would be the one raising them. 

They were wrong.

On July 24, 2004, I gave birth to a boy and a girl, 6.5 weeks early. They've been by my side ever since.

Fast forward to 2008. I met an amazing man and we got married. I found out I was pregnant on October 3, 2008. Having had a successful pregnancy once, I foolishly thought I would be fine. I lost that baby on October 10. 

January 3, 2009, I found out I was pregnant and we were cautiously optimistic.

Scratch that...we were terrified. While there was some excitement from my husband's family (he is the baby and last one to have a kid), not so much from my side.

On August 25, 2009, I gave birth to my third and final child. The pregnancy was hard and I didn't want to risk another loss, so I got my tubes tied.

The point in the back story is that I get a little...salty (isn't that what the kids are saying these days?) when I see stories about how happy people are they are pregnant. There are tears of happiness, excitement, joy. I didn't get to experience any of that and I kinda feel robbed. Even now, 11 years after my last positive pregnancy test, I feel a sadness in my heart that I didn't get the kind of happy a lot of people do.

Like I said, I know I should be happy I was able to have kids at all. There are so many people out there that feel like I do, only toward someone like me. They will NEVER feel that, but I got to. I get it and my heart breaks for them. But I don't think I am wrong for feeling like I do. 

Has anyone else felt this?

A Day For Remembering: Poppy

Photo credit: http://www.thisbeautifulmessblog.com/2010/08/day-of-hope.html

I have been pregnant a total of 5 times.

I got pregnant the first time when I was 18. I was married to my ex husband and we were pretty excited. I found out I was pregnant on October 19, 2001...my little brother's birthday. Going by my last menstrual cycle, I was about 10 weeks along. I made an appointment with an OBGYN and they confirmed it for me. Yes I was pregnant and I should be about 10 weeks. They decided to do an ultrasound and were shocked to find a little bean, but no heartbeat. They said it's possible that, because I was coming off the depo shot, my cycle was messed up and it was too early to see the heartbeat. 2 weeks later, I was getting another ultrasound and still, no heartbeat. The OBGYN was trying to keep me calm by saying it could still be too early.

A week or so later, the bleeding started. It was determined I was having a miscarriage. I was devastated. On November 12, in the early morning hours, I passed my baby. Per the DR's order, I took it in and we determined that I was 12 weeks pregnant. What I passed was about the size of a softball. 

I went home to grieve. My mom came up (we lived about 3 hours away at the time) and she went with me to get my RHOgram shot. I was told to give it 3 months and I could try again.

On January 21, 2002, I discovered I was pregnant again. I did the same song and dance. This time, it was believed I was about 6 weeks along, if that. An ultrasound was done, showed the little bean but no heartbeat. Another was done a week later with the same results. Then came the bleeding and on February 13, 2002, I miscarried my second child.

Both of those miscarriages were heartbreaking, but looking back, it was for the best. I wasn't ready to be a mom. My marriage ended in July 2002. My ex-husband didn't really allow me to grieve the way I needed to. We didn't talk about it, I wasn't suppose to bring it up again. And I ended up meeting someone who would listen to me and...well, that's a blog for a different day.

In December of 2003, I found out I was pregnant by my boyfriend. I was TERRIFIED. Sometime in January 2004, when I was about 6 weeks along, I went for an ultrasound and discovered that not only was I pregnant, but with twins...and they both had a heartbeat. In July 2004, I gave birth to Sebastian and Anastasia.

When I met Matthew, my husband, I was content to have no more children. Sebastian and Anastasia were 4 and starting school, I could focus on me now. But Matthew had no biological children of his own and I was open to the idea. So imagine my surprise when I found out on October 3, 2008, I was pregnant. I didn't think it would happen that quickly, but it did. Naturally, Matthew was super excited. Having survived twins, I didn't think I'd have another miscarriage.

I went to the DR a couple of days later to confirm I was pregnant. 

The test came back negative. They said it could have been because I was really early. But I had 3 tests that showed it was positive. So they drew blood and showed I DID have elevated pregnancy hormone levels and I was, in fact, pregnant...but only about 4 weeks along.

October 10, the bleeding started.

I couldn't believe I was losing another baby. I went to the DR and they drew blood and confirmed my fears. No HCG level was found. They did an ultrasound and found an empty uterus. They determined I'd had a chemical pregnancy, which basically means my egg was fertilized and I WAS pregnant, but I had a very early miscarriage, before it was even detectable in an ultrasound.

At 4-6 weeks, your baby about about the size of a poppy seed. So, we called the baby Poppy.

Even though I'd had two miscarriages before, this was so much worse. I don't know if it's because I already had two living children or if it was because I'd realized way before that that my first two were blessings, but this miscarriage is the one that causes me the most grief. It's been almost 11 years since my first miscarriage, 10 years since my second. I don't really grieve on those days...as bad as it sounds, most of the time those days come and go without the miscarriages entering my thoughts.

But Poppy's miscarriage....THAT one I remember...10/10 has been a sad day for me for the past 4 years and it will continue to be. Sure, if I hadn't lost that baby, I wouldn't have Cailin right now and I'm SOOOO thankful that I do. But still the pain is there.

I wanted to share this with you guys because...well, it was therapeutic. I have an amazing little girl that I wouldn't trade for the world and, when she gets older and as the twins continue to gain an understanding about babies and pregnancy, I plan to tell them about the little brother or sister they never got to meet. And I look at Cailin and I'm SOOO thankful that she was a little fighter, because if I didn't have her, I don't think my world would be as complete as it is.
So here's to you, my Baby Poppy. I love you and I'll never forget you. But thank you for sending us Cailin.
And to all those mothers out there who have suffered a miscarriage, my heart goes out to you. You are not alone.
~Sarah