The anxiety ridden mama.

Hi. My name is Jen. I am bat turd crazy.

My hormones are yet again out of whack. Again. This time instead of growing a pair, I've been neutered. You know...the only thing I can be after having a hysterectomy, growing balls then having them karate chopped off by Bruce Lee. My hormones do not know what direction to go in. I have to say I have the best friends in the entire effing world. Seriously. I've been feeling like I'm jumping in and out of the pits of hell and they're like, "It's okay, Jen. Really. BREATHE!" I honestly don't know how they tolerate me ;) Probably very carefully. I get incredibly overwhelmed whenever my house turns into complete CHAOS.

   When this happens, I get depressed and fearful because I know what is going to happen. I feel like I have NO control button. I don't know if this is what brings on the anxiety or if it comes because I lose control of my home. But I then become anxiety ridden. The more that continues to add to the pile, the worse I get. I am talking I'm on floor hands and knees scrubbing and a child poops, the dog pees in the floor, if I'm lucky I do not slip in it, the wipes disappear mysteriously, the phone rings the child that pooped swings their butt around causing me to get poop on my hand and on the floor- which in turn causes me to spaz. Then hubby will call me to say oh yeah I need you to (insert task). The school will call and then a friend will call me crying needing help or advice and I'm on the brink of insanity as we speak. When I finally get back to my housework I've found what I'd done before hand has been undone by a certain 2 year old (I have 2 so I can't really call either of them out because they both do this but they're children.)  

   This causes me to become more than anxiety ridden. It becomes panic stricken. I panic. My heart races. My pulse jumps. I swear I can see my pulse jumping from my wrist. I feel like I am winded and can't breathe at times. I want to scream but I can't. I have to remain composure for my children. I feel like I'm having a heart attack at times. Chest pains, dizziness, light headedness. Then the paranoia sets in. I'm a horrible mother, I'm a horrible wife, a horrible person, friend, neighbor. My kids don't love me, everyone hates me. I am pathetic. I'm fat and ugly. The depression has sat in. At this point I don't care. I just plop down in the kids room with them and sit on my phone and play games or listen to music while they play, safely that is. I start feeling so sorry for myself. It gets really pathetic. All this finally wears off, either because I call someone and talk. I then get angry and frustrated because I'm so sick of my life being this way.

   Behind my goofy blogs, I'm a huge mess. Humor is the only thing that keeps me from being locked in a cage. With the frustration comes anger. Not towards anyone but myself. I get angry because I'm so anxiety ridden. I get angry because whenever I try things to make it work NOTHING HELPS. I've not taken one single frigging pill that has EVER helped me. And, I'm sure there are pills but I am far from a pill head and would like to remain that way. I'm stubborn. Hard headed. I'm sure I have OCD along with the anxiety. I had a Dr appointment yesterday, but- honestly, I was too anxiety ridden to get there. I was waiting for the exterminator to come back, he never showed. My appointment was later, meaning I had no one to get the kids off the bus as my good friend and neighbor wasn't able to. On top of that I don't know this Dr from Adam. I've been with my Dr for 7 years! But, he's in Lexington and I'm going to have to eventually come to the terms we're not ever moving back to Richmond. And worrying about all that made my anxiety worse. So I called and rescheduled.

   I'm hoping this is just hormones. (which they are checking by the way! YAY!!) I really wish I could see a therapist...but the one I want to see is booked until JANUARY!!! Apparently along with pill heads there are a lot of messed up people in this area. I had to endure a cross examination just to get into to see this Dr AND when I called the therapist. I knew pills were bad here but wow. Any who sorry if this scared you, bored you or whatever. But....I will let you all know more about this after my appointment Wednesday. BIG SIGH. Mwahs!                                                                                

                                                     ♥ Jen♥

Sleeptastic ficticious and the unmotivated mommy monster.

Have I told you how much of a wonderful, euphoric inducing, loving and understanding  of a husband I have? As much as it irrates me that I can't gripe about him to friends without hearing, " Oh shut up Jen! You have noo right to complain! You have an amazing husband." And that I do. Did you all know my husband was a finalist in the "Twiniversity Super Dad contest." He is finalist B :) So, yeah- he's amazing. But here's yet, another example, of why I am not allowed to gripe and moan about him. (I am so going to kick myself in the face for this later.)

I suffer from anxiety. I have it pretty darn bad. The hypochondriac in me would also swear I have OCD as well. When i'm overwhelmed with a mess, and I cannot do it to my perfection (which isn't literally perfection.) I freeze up and nothing gets done. If it gets severe enough (at times it does) I don't even play with the kids, something I do everyday, for sometimes, all day affairs. Yesterday, was one of my bad days. I went anti social for the entire day, avoided phone calls, texts and any type of social contact. By the time Dale got home, I was curled up on the bed surrounded by a messy house and an empty stove. We'd spent the entire weekend (minus Calibug's birthday which was AWESOME! Happy birthday again baby girl!!) switching up rooms. So the girls are in one room and boys in a different. Our sick dog had peed in the floor 4 times, Maylon had spit chocolate milk all over carpets and himself. One room was finished- but trashed again. The other room a wreck equal with the rest of the house.

Super daddy/hubby made tacos (chopped fresh veggies and all.) Used the carpet cleaner to clean BOTH rooms, brushed all the kids teeth and put them all to bed, diaper changes and all....while I slept. I woke myself up to a spot of drool on my pillow, the kids tucked in bed and him cleaning the boys' carpet. I woke up, and immediately began helping. He'd motivated me to get my act together. So, I did just that. I got the kitchen cleaned, laundry finished, coffee prepped for the next day and this: I'd broken a nail. A gel nail. OWWWW.

Sooooo.....enough of that. That's too painful for me to look at.

As much as I tease myself for being a hypochondriac, I have actually been through some crud in my life. If I made a list of anything and everything i've been diagnosed with i'd be able to train a handful of medical professionals based on the health issues i've had alone. Add in what my children have gone through and I could probably put them through med school. I joke, I joke. I kid I kid. However, insomnia is most certainly on my long list of diagnoses. Well, fortunately-unfortunately I have been prescribed sleep in a bottle. This miracle drug that sends me enroute to Never-never land. But just as I am sick, I am also hard headed and stubborn. Which is why i'm running on fumes. AND by fumes, i'm talking 2 hours. All because I'd forgotten to take my miracle pill when I was all ghyped up and wanting to stay up all night.  My sleep register is on E and sleep is not in my near future. Well,at least until bedtime. So, there it is folks, haha! Take your meds and love your honey!!!

♥ Jen♥