Where Words Fail...Music Speaks

Leo Tolstoy

I was recently talking with a friend of mine about music. I was in the mood to listen to some alternative rock and, sadly, in my area there isn't a station. I said something that, at least in MY mind, was very deep and profound.

When no one else understands....music does.

Music, at least for me, is very therapeutic. Depending on my mood, music can get me through cleaning, put a smile on my face, or let me bare my soul and scream to the top of my lungs "WILL SOMEONE PLEASE JUST HEAR ME!" I've ALWAYS been this way.....there was nothing like either cranking the radio or putting some headphones on and just losing yourself in lyrics.

One of my favorite songwriters is Maynard James Keenan, the man that I consider a lyrical God. He's the front man of A Perfect Circle and Tool. That man just speaks to my soul. There is probably a song by either band that can describe, in so many words, what I'm feeling at any given moment. 

One of my absolute, all time favorite songs is "3 Libras" by A Perfect Circle. This song is just amazing. I find myself listening to it all the time, especially when I just need to breath. You can find the lyrics by clicking HERE.

Another favorite song is from another one of my favorite bands, 30 Seconds To Mars. They rank up there in probably my top 10 favorite bands. I'm not sure what it is, but their lyrics speak to me as well. When I'm angry or doubting myself, I can just drive around or pull a video up on youtube and scream at the top of my lungs "THIS IS WHO I REALLY AM!" That's from the song "The Kill".

When I think of my husband, my mind always goes back to two different songs. The first one is our song, which is "Lucky" by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat. I always say that I'm "lucky I'm in love with my best friend". It's the truth. I am lucky to have him, as he's truly an amazing man.

The other song probably bring out my nerdy side, but it's "Come What May" from the Moulin Rouge soundtrack. That song probably describes, quite perfectly, how I feel about my husband. "Never knew I could feel like this. Like I've never seen the sky before. I want to vanish inside your kiss. Every day I love you more and more." That's truly how I feel.

In another 30 Seconds To Mars video (the one for "Closer To The Edge"), at the end, a girl said something that, for me, is very true. She said "Some people believe in God. I believe in music. Some people pray, but I just turn up the radio." This is so true for me. I find my peace in music. I find my comfort in music. Some lyrics have this ability to reach deep into my soul and pull out what I've been needing to see, to hear, to feel. 

My Dad is a drummer and my Mom has always been into music. I think that's probably where I got my love of music from. I met a man that loves music almost as much as I do. As a matter of fact, one of the first conversations between Matthew and I was about music. Our kids all love music as well. It's a beautiful thing.

Music is so much more than sound, than noise. It's feeling, it's emotion, it's something pure and deep. It's your friend, it's your savior, it's your own mind when you least expect it. Music is life....at least for me.

Surviving and Reliving Breast Cancer: The Rea Kelsie Fielden Story

 I approached Sarah about doing a post about breast cancer since this is breast cancer awareness month. I wanted to do an interview of someone who had fought and won the battle against breast cancer. I wanted to show the importance of early detection and lay out a blue print of what someone facing chemo and other treatments would experience. Then Sarah approached me and informed me of a woman whose mother had not only fought and won the battle against breast cancer- but is now facing a larger battle. A battle her mother may die fighting. This is her story.

****************************************************************

My mom is Rea Kelsie Fielden. For several years she danced in Country Western dance competitions and won many of them. Her waltz was known for causing misty eyes in the audience. In May 2005, only a couple years after she retired from the dance circuit, she began having health issues. She had nausea, dizziness, headaches, severe pain in her hands, and chronic fatigue. “I knew something was wrong with me. I kept telling them to look at the whole picture because I thought it must all be connected.” (RKF) 
It wasn’t until April of 2006 when she was finally diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 39. During a biopsy they found that she had all three types, tubular, lobular, and DCIS. The cancer was throughout her lymph nodes so she underwent a full hysterectomy and a radical mastectomy, removing her right breast completely. She went through eight rounds of chemotherapy and 34 radiation treatments and won her battle with cancer. 
Earlier this year, she celebrated her five year anniversary of being cancer free.
But that is not the end of her story. 
Over the last few years, she has slowly lost her ability to walk, and has begun having seizures. She suspected her cancer may have come back, but her doctors insisted there was nothing wrong with her. “They kept telling me there was no medical reason for me to be in a wheelchair. They said the seizures were all in my head. I told them I was worried it might be cancer.” (RKF) 
Finally, after a year and a half of health issues, she was again diagnosed with cancer in August of this year. When surgery was performed to biopsy an area on her spine, the doctors found that her spine had actually turned to mush. The doctors described it as trying to squeeze the yogurt out of a tube; impossible to get all of it out. This time, it is stage four metastatic breast cancer. It has spread throughout her body. She has a node on one lung, two nodes on the other, a spot on her left scapula, three spots on her chest plate, one on her right shoulder, and a mass in her brain. 
She has decided to choose quality over quantity in the hopes that she can spend her time as comfortable as possible with her friends and family nearby. Her last wish was to have all of her family together for Christmas which has not happened since 2001.
My amazing dad raised me since I was two years old... meaning that I've only spent 5 Christmases with my mom and only 3 of those I can remember... which kind of explains why this is just that much more important to me, 
I guess I never had as much time with her as I wanted in the first place. Her family has been doing fundraisers since August to help pay for the travel expenses. Unfortunately, she has been given a prognosis of 2-6 weeks left to live, meaning that most likely she will not live to see Christmas this year at all. With this urgent prognosis, her family is desperately trying to raise enough funding to gather everyone in Wisconsin for a Christmas in October by the middle of the month. “I just want to thank everyone profusely, my biggest thanks for the support everyone has shown me. Thank you!” (RKF)

****************************************************************************

I really wasn't sure how to give this the wording I feel it truly deserved. So, I just copied the email I received from Genevieve herself. I approached her and asked her for her moms story. Since meeting Genevieve, I can see how strong of a person she truly is. The sad truth is, that only 2% of breast cancer research goes to metastatic breast cancer funding :( I, myself, did not know this. I hope that one day we can beat this nasty horrible thing and be done with it. I am hoping that maybe, Rea's wish to spend one last Christmas with her family (Hopefully many more) will come true. Sometimes I feel that we no longer live in a society that takes care of each other, and cares for each other. It seems as if we're sometimes too set on materialistic things and what we can get for free in life. None of that have any real value than helping someone when they are in great need. There is a way you can help make Rea's wish come true. Click on one of the links below to see how you can help. Be an angel. Feed the hope. And feel the love.
                                                XOXO ♥Jen♥

♥ Donate to Rae's Christmas Wish.  ♥
            

♥ Prayers and Support. ♥

♥ Meet Rae :) ♥

♥ Rae's youtube channel. ♥                      

Tale Of The City Boy From South Detroit and The Smalltown Girl

Okay, so he is really from North Detroit, but that just wouldn't work as well.

Today is mine and Matthew's four year wedding anniversary. It has been one hell of a ride, to say the least, but it has been totally worth it. It occurred to me that I've never shared the story of how we met, so I figured today would be a good day for that.

In January of 2008, I moved to Kentucky from Florida. I'd broken up with the guy I was seeing the day after Christmas, I was out of work due to being laid off from a WONDERFUL job, and I was ready for a change. My Dad paid for me, Sebastian, and Anastasia to fly to Dayton, Ohio from West Palm Beach. It was a hard decision to make, because I was leaving my mother behind, but I knew I had to do it. I needed a change and something better for my kids.

In only a few months of living here, I'd managed to get a job, buy a car and get an apartment.

I'd also managed to find a boyfriend.

Let's just say that didn't work out, because....well, to be honest, it was more weird than I could handle! He just up and left one day, without saying bye or anything.

Oh well.

I'd joined a dating website called Plenty Of Fish, not really expecting to find someone I was going to spend my life with, but to find someone I could start a relationship with. 

Around the end of May, I got a message from this guy....I wasn't sure about him because his profile wasn't all that complete, but I thought....why not? So I replied and we exchanged yahoo handles. That night, we started chatting and we hit it off. We talked for about 3 hours about EVERYTHING, including music. He was on webcam and I thought "He's a pretty good lookin' fella, he's got great taste in music.....hmmm"

So we set up a time to meet. We were going to go to Starbucks and have coffee and talk in person. The day of the date, I'd gotten sick with a stomach bug, but I still went.

HE, on the other hand, stood me up.

*sigh*

So, we set up another date, for a local free concert. Once again, he stood me up. At this point, I figured he was playing games and we lost contact. I met someone else and started dating. That lasted about a month and a half and we called it quits.

In August of 2008, I decided to shoot the other guy a text, just to say hi. After a few weeks of texting and talking on the phone, we decided to meet in person and see a movie (cliche', I know).

I showed up at the theater and waited.

And waited.

And waited some more. I thought he wasn't going to show when I got a text explaining he was on the highway and stuck in traffic behind an accident.

This time, he showed up and we decided to get a drink at the restaurant instead of going to a movie. So we walked over there and went to the bar where he ordered a Jack and Coke and I got a Bud Light. Evidently, this hooked him completely. 

Matthew on our first date

After he drank a few drinks, we decided we wanted to go to the Mill at Levi Jackson and watch the ducks and talk some more. I waited (and waited and waited) for him to make a move and it just wasn't going to happen.

I thought for sure he wasn't in to me.

We decided it was getting late and, though I didn't want the night to end, we went back to his car and said our goodbyes. It was there, under the glow of a parking lot light, that he FINALLY made his move and kissed me. He also asked me that night to be his. (I pick on him all the time about his lack of taking advantage of a romantic setting. lol)

Of course I said yes.

The next night, we got together and just hung out. I went out of town the next day and I missed him terribly. We texted the entire time and I just hated being without him. I got home the next day and he surprised me by meeting me at my apartment. We hung out, I think I cooked him dinner, then he went home.

We were talking on the phone that night and he told me he was going to marry me.

This was after 4 days.

Naturally, I laughed and said "Okay!", not thinking he was serious.

We spent 3 weeks getting as much time in as we could. We didn't care WHAT we did, as long as we were with each other.

One of our dates before we got married

On September 17th, he came to my apartment to spend the night with me. The next morning, we got up and dressed nicely, dressed Sebastian and Anastasia nicely (they were COMPLETELY in love with him at this point) and we went to the courthouse and got married.

3 weeks after we met!

Our wedding (don't mind my fat arm!)

He's a married man!

We've had our rough patches, been through things that would tear other marriages apart (like a miscarriage). But we've come out of it stronger. One of the things that made me fall in love with him was him telling me that he couldn't love me if he didn't love my kids. He's been such an amazing Daddy to them...words just couldn't express it.

I'm lucky. I've met the person my heart was made for, the person my soul was meant for. I met the person that I'd end up calling my best friend. He encourages me, pushes me, drives me nuts but loves me unconditionally. 

I always said that if I had even half the love I saw shared between my Grandma Molly and Grandpa Alvis, I'd be a lucky woman. Little did I know, they'd send him my way.

This small town girl found her city boy.

So, to my love, I say to you. Happy Anniversary (and may the odds be EVER in your favor!...sorry, that popped into my head after I said happy anniversary! lol). You've made my life far better than I could have ever dreamed. We aren't perfect individually, but we are perfect for and because of each other.

I love you.

Matthew and I earlier this year

Hospital weekend :/

So as much as I usually complain about how much I despise Mondays, today is NOT one of those days. Today is the end of what was a horrid weekend for my family and friends. Do you remember my post about where the entire household was sick and Ava had gotten this strange rash? Ava was diagnosed with Scarlet fever...which ended up being (not sure if it was piggy backed or not but we'll just say it wasn't.) Hand, Foot,Mouth disease/virus. Which is one nasty little virus. Children who normally get this, usually do not have it like my little Ava did. The pediatrician said it looked like a rash, on top of a rash, on top of a rash. Yes, three rashes. Her eczema had flared during her illness, she had a rash from the strep throat AND the HFMD rash/blisters. It was horrible.

 

So Friday morning I'm awakened to my husband grumbling and moaning. He was having these intense sharp pains that had not eased off all night. He was miserable. So I rush him to the ER where they admit him for what they are thinking is his appendix. I rush home and am trying to sanitize the house due to 2 cases of strep, 6 stomach bugs, and HFMD. Kiddos get home, we eat and I get everyone dressed and we go back to the hospital to visit Papa. Ava had been a little playful and had been eating a few grapes here and there throughout the day. She was drinking, but not much. I knew she was sick but everything happened so fast.

 

 Once at the hospital things quickly began to go downhill. She started screaming (she did this twice at home but once her meds kicked in she was seemingly better.) and you couldn't touch her anywhere because the spots hurt and they were everywhere. Her fever spiked past anything fever reducers could do for her. She was just miserable.  We had already knew from yesterday she was starting to become dehydrated, BUT she was drinking. All the nurses looked at her and were like aww, she is so sick! I called the pediatrician's office in tears. They wanted to see her, of course. So we bring her in and Ava continued to scream. No amount of medicine was helping, she wasn't even due for any of her meds and she was still miserable. she cried herself to sleep. The Dr looked in her mouth- it was dry. Her eyes were sunken underneath and she was abnormally pale. She was dehydrated. She was in immense pain. And, another fear-she had a secondary infection which was suspected to be a staph infection. I just sat and cried. Ava slept, and I cried. The pediatrician teared up and said she wanted to admit her but wanted to do a direct admit but wanted to talk to another pediatrician.

 

We finally get out of the ER and are waiting for a room on their pediatric floor. (they place them there for blood work and to start her IV. She was so dehydrated her nurse said if they couldn't get in her IV they would have to do a central line. I got nauseated just thinking about that but thankfully, it took the second time. Her tiny veins were flat.) Meanwhile, where hubby is a nurse informs me that they could place them next door IF the Dr okay's it. I begged the ER Dr for a room next door or at least on the same floor as my husband. He said no she needs to be on the pediatric unit. I huffed. I leave to get the car seats transferred so mother in law can take our other 2 while my aunt came down and took our oldest. SIGH. When I come back- good news. Ava was going to be directly next door to her daddy :) BIG sigh of relief. Bad news, she was still miserable.

 

To try to make this short. After a couple bags of IV antibiotics, IV fluids, benadryl, Motrin and antibiotic ointments she was feeling MUCH better. She began eating,drinking and playing. It was awesome to wake up to see her pretty big eyes shining. I was a proud, but exhausted, Mama. And, we find out that Ava has gained weight and is now 27lbs and 2 oz :) WOW GO AVA!!!!!!!! I'll leave you with a few pics of our weekend.

Right after admission.

Next morning!

Papa came to visit!!!

Nurse Ava :)

 Lunch with Sissy!!!

Thanks for the love and kind words as we went through a horrible time!!!! Much love,

                                                                                                                              Jen ♥

 

 

My children are not always first.

So. Remember the days when everything is new in your marriage/relationship? You have sex every day if not several times. You couldn't bear the thought of your s/o seeing your hairy legs, cringe at facing them with morning breath and god forbid they ever find out you fart or poop :) You are always made up or at least freshly showered. Then it's like the smell of a new car..it eventually wears off. And you, in comparison to a new car, now packed on the miles and are used. Yes. I just compared your relationship to a car. To make matters worse, you get pregnant and your partner gets to see you in your absolute worst. While they may not mind and some of you may be saying, "Well who cares they still love me." Other's are nodding right now saying damn. Your spouse gets to see you with morning sicnkess, poop with the door *gasp* open, and witness everything that comes with childbirth and recovery. Sure, they kiss you even though you have spitup in your hair and yesterdays ketchup fingerprints on your pants.

But you owe not only your partner, but yourself MORE than that. I'm not saying applying makeup will make you feel better, or even change your relationship. But actually having the attitude that you care about yourself will shine through to others. Take care of yourself, and your relationship as you care for your children. Your s/o will appreciate it and you will appreciate yourself. I have a weird confession. I love my children to no end. I would walk through the pits of hell and give my life, for them. BUT. Yes, there is a but. My children need happy and healthy parents. Therefore if something needs repaired, it takes priority. I'm not saying if my child is hungry and dirty i'd snuggle with my spouse and ignore them. I'm saying once dinner is finished, instead of immediately washing dishes and playing with the kids, snuggle up to your s/o on the couch and simply make conversation. Bond with them and connect with them. LOVE them. Be a bystander, only for a moment, in your childrens lives.

Each day could be your last. Live. Laugh and love. As often as you can.

 ♥ Jen♥

Growing Up....*sigh*

As a result of my surgery, I'm not able to pick up my toddler. She still sleeps in a crib, so I can't put her to bed. My friend usually comes and helps out with this, but she's busy and couldn't. Yesterday, my husband came home from work to lay her down, then again to get her up.
Well, today, I decided to see how she did if I laid her down in MY bed. I got her her pillow, blanket, and baby doll, she laid down and she had a good nap. It didn't take any longer for her to fall asleep or anything.
*sigh*
My baby is growing up. We are 23 days from her turning 2. I think either tomorrow or Thursday, we are going to go get the piece that lets us put her crib together as a toddler bed. No more cribs for us. Not sure how this makes me feel just yet, but it's kinda sad.....
Kids grow up SO fast....I wish we could just keep them tiny forever, but we can't. I'm reminded every day just how quickly it goes by. On the 10th, my older babies start 2nd grade. My almost 2 year old has a vocabulary that has grown so much and it's so cute.
I'm gonna go sit on my couch and cuddle with my baby, because she wants me to hold her and that's the best I can do right now. I just wanted to remind all of my readers out there to take time and look at your children, should you have them, and let them be little....because they are getting big way too fast on us.

Times Makes You Bolder, Children Get Older, I'm Getting Older Too

Matthew and I were laying in the bed this morning, with Cailin sitting there, playing with her toys. She has this little black Mary Jane type of shoe that she was chewing on. We picked it and looked at it and could see the marks in it that her one little tooth was making. She was giggling and rolling around and we were talking about how, in 2 weeks, she'll be 10 months and how, in 10 weeks, she'll be one.
Last night, Matthew pulled Anastasia's second tooth. Well..he moved it and it kinda fell out. She got $2 from the tooth fairy and she was quite proud of it. The first tooth she lost is already starting to come back in.
Yesterday, Sebastian got in trouble for being a smart butt and was sent to his room to read a book and come tell us about it. He picked up his Wall-E book and, after about 10 minutes, he came in to tell us that sight words he could read...there were a lot.
All of this makes me realize how, every single day, my children are growing up. My older babies are a little over a month away from turning 6 and about 2 months away from starting 1st grade. They can read, they can write, they can do simple math. It's amazing, to watch them grow from these little kids into this big kids. Cailin is FINALLY getting a tooth. She's FINALLY starting to show some interest in crawling and I think if we put her down in the floor, within a week or so, she'll be crawling all over the place. She talks quite a bit now, saying Dada, Mama, BuhBuh, I Good, and just gibberish. She laughs, these sweet little belly laughs. And when she's in her walker, she is all over the place.
It's such an amazing feeling, to know that we, as parents, give life to these little creations. We nurture them, we teach them, we give them room to grow and learn. And we sit back and watch as they amaze us, as they sit down and read to us, as we do homework, as we hear the first sweet sounds of speech come from the lips of someone not even a year old.
It's also heartbreaking, to know that every year, we are one year closer to them growing up and not needing us. It's almost as if we blink, we'll miss out on something truly amazing. Cailin is my last baby.....I can't have anymore. All of her firsts she experiences will be my lasts of watching my baby grow up. That's almost enough to make me cry. Every year Sebastian and Anastasia get older, it's one more year closer to them becoming tweens, teens, etc. That sucks sometimes. I use to imagine what they'd be like when they were 2 or 3 or 4..now I'm staring down 6, 7,8,9, and then 10.
Anyways, I was just inspired to blog......We, as parents, get so lost in everyday life that we often forget to just sit back and look at our children, see the people they are becoming. I did that today and it serves as a reminder of how lucky I am to be a mom, to have these 3 little people in my life, showing me how amazing it can be. I love my kids more than anything and I'm so happy that I'm a mom. I wouldn't trade it for anything.....